Welcome Prayer and Roundabouts

This year I started a Monk in the World online retreat through Abbey of the Arts. It is free when you sign up and I have no idea why I have not done the retreat before, but maybe now it just the right time.

Today’s meditation for week 2 day 4 was on hospitality. Christine Valters-Paintner introduced us to the idea of Welcoming Prayer.

As I listened, a memory and a visual image came to me. The memory was of my husband and I coming out of the Dublin airport in out little rental car to a roundabout. This was not just any roundabout, but one with many lanes. Knowing what lane you needed to be in to exit and getting in that lane was a bit hairy, but he did it. Yay, Tim!

I know I have mentioned before that I struggle with panic attacks. There is a definite sense of spinning when I get them. It might be something like being on a roundabout and going round and round looking for a way out. The paradox of panic attacks is that the more you try to get rid of them or look for and exit, the worse they get. The resistance to and wanting a way out of them only fuels the panic. At times it feels like being in a roundabout at high speed with someone else driving faster and faster as you fear that you will eventually be flung out into the abyss.

So, roundabouts and panic attacks. Where does Welcoming Prayer fit into this?

In Welcoming Prayer the idea is to focus on your thoughts and feelings, then welcome it lovingly in without analyzing or judging them. This echos what my therapist and I worked on years ago to “just let it be there.” (That was a better way of looking at it for the than accepting it, which was something I thought I could never do.)

The next step in Welcoming Prayer is to let it go. That is the really hard part as, of course I want to let it go. I want to run as far away from it as I can. But, it feels like the meditation today through the retreat helped me understand letting go a little differently.

Christine Valters-Paintner writes that letting go means:

  • Let go of the desire for security and survival
  • Let go of the desire for affection and esteem
  • Let go of the desire for control and power
  • Let go of the desire to change the situation

That is quite different than running away and can actually bring me to a different place where I see options I did not see before. In my art journal, I decided these were like tunnels or bridges (the green paths) that could not be seen from the road. There is another way. Maybe the heart of Welcoming Prayer is that it helps us find another way. A way not so influenced by the desires listed above.

Because I am very visual, I drew my thoughts out in my art journal and this is what I came up with.

Amen – it is so

Blessings!

Christine

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You Are Worthy of My Protection

As I sit here to write this post, thinking that my thoughts were complete, I realize that might not be the case. Maybe I just tell where this all came from–at least the events from this week. However, knowing that my experience of the events are only part of the story. Because they are based on my perceptions, which are effected by many things (some long ago) that I carry with me, the story can really only give part of the picture. Still, in the event it might help someone else, I will try to tell it.

I have been taking an online retreat through Abbey of the Arts that corresponds with Christine Valters Paintner’s book The Eyes of the Heart. It is a book about photography as a contemplative practice where images are received through the lens vs just taking pictures. Though I have read the book before and even did another retreat, this one is updated and includes much more depth and daily guest speakers. This week the focus was on shadow and light, and I must admit I struggled a bit at the beginning of the week.

Carl Jung refers to the shadow as hidden places within ourselves that we often do not want to see or let others see. But is is only when we can embrace those parts of ourselves that we can be truly whole. A shadow repressed will most always come out in ways we do not want it to be revealed.

In my own shadow work, I have come to realize that whenever I feel defensive, it is a little clue that my shadow side is coming up. Though it is easier said than done, I try to first examine myself and where that feeling might be coming from. My defensiveness might have more to do with my own feelings of inadequacy that they have to do with whatever the situations is that is bringing my defenses up. (Not sure if I am relaying this well or not, but I will keep going.)

Awhile ago, our oldest son asked if he could have a rosary I had made. Delighted that he would even want one, I told him to just pick one out. The one he chose had a center of St. Michael the Archangel. He was and is going through a hard time and stayed with us for a bit before he moved into his own place. When he left, I realized he left the rosary behind.

Maybe in an effort to feel closer to him, I brought the rosary up to my prayer table this week. During one of the guided meditations for the Eyes of the Heart retreat, we were asked to open our eyes after having them closed and see what our eye lands on. Mine landed on that St. Michael rosary. I picked it up and tried to figure out what it was telling me, but it was only later in the week that I could see the purpose.

Pictured below is the rosary and the photo I received through my lens. I even changed it to black and white thinking something might be revealed.

All I say was snakes and serpents at St. Michael’s feet. It was something I wanted to turn away from. A shield and warrior-like image was not the soft, accepting, loving feeling I wanted to feel. Not knowing quite what to do with the image or feelings, I put it aside.

Yet, that word “defend” kept sticking with me. St. Michael the Archangel is said to be sent to protect, guard, defend. Could there be a place in me for that warrior spirit? Not me defending my shadow, but is there something worthy of defending? I decided yes! and wrote a little haiku in my art journal.

Oh, I could hold that. I could see that I could also defend something good. I don’t think that it says anywhere that St. Michael only protects us “against” something. I too can defend something I care about. “Defend” does not always mean “my shadow is lurking nearby.” (I say that with sarcasm as one of the things with shadow work is to be able to look lovingly on those parts of yourself you want to hide).

Even with that “revelation” there was a little voice that whispered the word “worthy”. I was definitely making a judgment on what is worth defending.

A few days later, I started a new painting. With joy and excitement, I took out a fresh new large–30″ x 30″–canvas. A few smaller pieces I had done earlier had finally come together, so I wanted to see what might be revealed to me. What I paint is very intuitive. I have come to see that it is very much the way I release emotions.

The marks I was making started to take some form, so I brought it upstairs to sit with it a bit and decided where I wanted to go next. At this point in my process, I will often turn the canvas different directions, to see if a different perspective reveals anything to me.

This is where I was at. The image in the upper left is the direction it was on the canvas. For a bit, I thought there might be a lovely flower garden coming into being. My judgment also said that it was too dark. I wanted more light. But where and how?

The direction in the upper right and the lower left reminded me of chaos and war. (The war between Israel and Gaza weighs heave on my heart right now.) So, nope. I did not want to go there. I finally decided the choice of direction would be as shown in the lower right, but there was still a voice inside of me that wanted to tame some of that chaos, though I was not sure how.

This morning I looked at the piece again and found a clarity and purpose I had not seen before. The title also came to me. Below is my finish piece titled: You Are Worthy of My Protection ~ St. Michael.

May St. Michael the Archangel guard, defend, and protect you.

You are worthy.

In hope and love,

Christine

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A Blessing Challenge

Yesterday was the first day of a Radiate Blessings Challenge I signed up for with Briana Borten. She offered a meditation to get us started and listening to it, I felt like my mind was all over the place and was having trouble focusing. But I wrote down what came to me and moved on to the other things I had on my list for the day.

This morning I revisited what I wrote down and realized there was something there for me. One of the ways I sink into something and help it sink into me is by writing it out in my art journal.

It came to me that I was challenged by my wording. Briana suggested to start our blessing with our name and “I bless you with…”. I struggled a bit with that and found my struggle might have a message for me–a challenge. When writing a blessing I like to start with “May“. It is a bit different than the statement “Christine, I bless you“. It presumes that I can bless myself! Ooo… That is where I find the resistance. I have no problem giving others blessings, so why do I struggle with giving one to myself? Can I not recognize God in me? Can I not receive God in me? A challenge to ponder I decided but not overthink.

Here is the blessing I wrote.

“Hope” and “trust” are standing out to me. I want that. I want others to have it too if they need it, so my blessing is cyclical and I want to extend it out to to others that might need it.

I love when I can see little synchronicities. It make me smile and wonder if they could be little messages for me. So, yesterday when I read the daily email I received Richard Rohr’s words from The Center for Action and Contemplation, that little voice whispered to me “yes” and “listen”.

This the part that stood out to me:

Then today I read the daily message form Abbey of the Arts, which also comes in my email:

Maybe I “should” end this post with the three images above (better for design to have uneven numbers?), but something else came to me.

I try to attend an ecumenical Sunday Evening Gathering in town whenever I am able. One of the songs that we often end with is Aaron’s Blessing by Fernando Ortega. It is sung with a call and response and always feels like such a beautiful way to end and begin the new week. Here is a recording of that song sung by Fernando Ortega. Yes, a blessing is really and exchange to love back and forth between all of us. It is a “nameste”–God in me recognizing God in you and vice versa.

Many Blessings to you!
Christine

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Shadow Box, Holy Spirit, Breath Prayer

We recently returned from a family wedding little vacation in Colorado. Before we left, I had been feeling this nudge to work on the part of me I keep hidden. It is often called shadow work. It is the part of us we do not want others to see and even acknowledge ourselves.

My thought processes stemmed from what those in Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon call the fourth step. It calls us to take a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves. It is a step I can say I have been stuck on for some time. I could not seem to wrap my head around it and understand what it really meant for me.

The term “shadow” was not something I had been taught to dwell on. It meant darkness and evil to me. Little by little, I have come to understand that darkness does not have to be something to fear. In fact, being fearful is one of my shadows. It is also something I would list on my 4th step inventory. When I respond from a place of fear, I am not responding with love. Part of the journey I feel I am being nudged to take right now is being able to recognize and acknowledge that part of me.

When I saw a blog post from an artist I follow, Valerie Sjodin, I had an idea. (Yes, “big ideas” will eventually fill one box in my shadow box.) “Shadow box”, Shadow boxing”, that is the idea that came to me. Valerie’s little work of art did not have anything to do with shadow work, but I thought it could be a creative way for me to express those parts of myself I keep hidden and symbolize them in some way in each box.

This is the photo from Valerie’s blog post:

ValerieSjodin.com

This is the shadow box I found for $5 at an antique mall in Iowa on our trip. It was not an antique, but the price was right, and I knew it would work for what I wanted to do. I still have not decided if I want to paint it. A coat of black spray paint might end up being what I decide.

Then this morning I ran across a breath prayer by Sheridan Voysey a friend posted on Facebook. It actually read “I receive your love and release my insecurity…”. As a shadow work breath prayer, I changed the words a bit and found them to be meaningful then too.

Like Valerie suggested, I decided that I would make a little journal book with the words I altered from Sheridan Voysey’s prayer. Below is the little book I made. But, I decided that I might better use the little book as an actually prayer book vs putting it in the shadow box. It fit perfectly in the stained glass box where I keep one of my rosaries.

“Come, Holy Spirit” is one of my favorite breath prayers along with the one that came to me and I printed for the top of the stained glass box. I think I will now call it my breath prayer box.

Yes, the shadow box is still empty. I have some ideas of things I can use as symbols for the shadow side of myself, but my shadow work is just beginning. The shadow box idea, however, is making me think of the work in a more creative way. This is a “to be continued” post.

Blessing,

Christine

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Finding and an Agate in the Rough

My mom grew up rock hunting. My grandparents would take me. The rock in the lap of a little sculpture (I picked up at a second hand store) is a rock I found when I was rock hunting with my grandparents years ago near Stillwater, Minnesota. I can still remember my Grandpa’s low chuckle of delight as I dug it out of the rocky hillside. An agate, yes, it was and is..

I wonder now if he saw it before me and let me find it. I remember we would spit on the rocks to see what they looked like. With agates you usually don’t see the striations at first–just the rough outer covering.

In out little indoor fountain, I have put some of the agates and rocks my Grandpa polished. The one pictured here was quite a find, I realize again. I forgot about it for many years and only found it again when my parents were cleaning out before they moved. I recognized it right away. I knew it was the one not just by memory, but also that it had never been polished.

A few days ago, I took it out of our fountain and put it in the lap of the sculpture, turning it with the striations hidden. Now it is not obviously covered with dirt, but it is similar to what I saw when I found it.

There has been lots of really heavy stuff going on in our family lately. The rock symbolized that to me, but also more. The beauty is there but hidden. Hope.

As I look at again today–Holy Saturday–I see a new symbolism. The rock, the tomb. I am trying to sit with that today. Sit with the heaviness. Sit with the unknown. Sit with the sadness, without jumping ahead to Easter. Sitting, however, with hope.

Blessings, All!

Christine

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Singing as Prayer


In Early March I took a road trip, the first I had ever driven that far alone, to northern Georgia and Alabama for my aunt’s funeral. Thank God for GPS! I cannot imagine doing it without that. Still, I gave myself time and did make a few wrong turns that I think were really the way I was supposed to go, but I will save that for another post.

As I write this I do so still with a bit of hesitation as I know my mom will read this. She was worried about me going. Maybe it will help that I tell this after the fact.

Going around Chattanooga, Tennessee, I was a bit surprised that I would need to drive over a mountain, complete with runaway truck ramps on the way down. It was raining and later in the day, so it was also dark. I stayed in the slow lane and just decided I was going to drive like a grandma, which I chuckled to think I am.

After accomplishing that, I found the very hilly roads that too me to my cousin’s home in northern Alabama. Again, I was surprised that there were so many hills! I guess when I had visited before I had flown into Atlanta and come up from the south, which did not give me the same perspective. In the future, it might help if I look at a typographical map, but there is also the adventure in surprise. I found the unknown was also an exercise in trust.

Anyhow, I was driving the winy, hilly, curvy, road, at night, and in the rain. I had even called my cousin to see if I was on the right road. The GPS was telling me I was, but from earlier experience, I know it will also redirect your route if you take a wrong turn. The radio was not coming in and I turned it off. Instead, I found myself singing a song I learned as a child. “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…”. I sang it over and over again. I figured if I was going to die on the road, I would go out singing. I know quite a few songs by heart, but I could not think of the words or tune to another. My singing was really a prayer, and quite fervent at that.

Fast forward to today. A lovely and dear couple brought us dinner on Monday night after I had sent an email asking for prayers. (My intent was not to get dinner when I sent it. I was actually a bit embarrassed–however very touched–to receive the attention.) They also bought these hope-filled planed daffodil bulbs. At the time the bids were not even blooming. But look at them this morning. It is like they are singing with mouths wide open.

Again, a little song from my childhood came to me, which I decided to make into a little graphic. I will send this to our dear friends to thank them. It might not be proper to send email thank yous, but that is what I am going to do anyway. I will include this image above with so much joy.

Even in the midst of much heartache, may you also find gratitude and joy.

Blessings,

Christine

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What You Think Might Not Be the Truth

I have been looking at this little “x” on the deck for quite a few weeks, and wondering how it got there. Who put an “x” there with a sharpie and why? Wast it my husband for some unknown reason? Was it a grandchild that just decided to do it?

The other day, I decided to take a better look. I realized that it was most definitely not drawn on with a marker. Still, I do not know what it is. Is it a weeping from the wood? A little seedling that got attached in one of out wet winds? Or, is it really poop from a squirrel or other outdoor friend that just happened to land that way?

This morning I took a photo of it as the words “What you think may not be the truth” came to me. They are words I have come to appreciate as one who can all to easily let thoughts spin in my head.

There used to be fear attached to those words for me. If what I think is not the truth, then what is?! However, through my experience, therapy, and practice with panic attacks, I have come to see that my thoughts can many times be way off from the truth. Bringing myself back to the here and now without judging what I am feeling, is my saving grace. There is something much deeper that comes when I do that. The word “Presence” comes to me. For me is is with a capital “P”. It is another words for Christ with me, I believe. It is beyond myself and something I cannot control.

I still don’t know where that “x” came from, but I will let it be a wonder. I don’t have to figure it out, but I can smile. I can smile at myself for making assumptions. I can smile at the mystery. I can smile that my faith is not contingent of what I think. God is so much more than I think God is.

Blessings!

Christine

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Shalom and New Moon Intention

This morning as I picked up my old planner to look for a password for an order I wanted to place, this fell out. (I often use the little pieces of contemplative art I do as bookmarks.) Looking at it, I thought that there might be a message for me in it.

The word “shalom” has always been special to me. When I made this I know I looked up the word in the dictionary and a thesaurus. It reminded me that there used to be a description for the word on Abbey of the Arts, the Holy Disorder of the Dancing Monks website. (I think I saved it somewhere, though I cannot remember where.)

Maybe this is my new moon intention for today. “Shalom”. The word holds much more meaning than simply “peace”, which is a common translation.

I have wanted to share here with you a new singer songwriter I have been recently introduced to as well. How wonderful that she lives right here in the same town! Her music holds much of the meaning of Shalom for me–simple, but filled with so much depth. The album, Serenity, is my favorite.

Here is the album on YouTube:

Trina also sells her music through Bandcamp. I just purchased the Serenity album so I can listen to it without the YouTube ads. Here is the link to her website that has the link to her Bandcamp page along with other ways to hear her music:

TrinaBrunk.com

Blessings!

Christine

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Prayers for the Anglican Rosary in Times of Panic and Anxiety

For years I have walked with panic attacks by my side. Though, in the past years, they have only quietly been at my side without actually reaching out to cling to me in true form. Last week, however, that changed. But, so did something else.

I was feeling unusual chills when it gripped me. The literal blackout was already there. The bed called.

Laying there under the blankets and down comforter, the words came to me: I am warm, I am safe, I am held. I repeated them over and over turning them into a breath prayer to slow my breathing, and bring me into the moment. It is easier for me than it used to be to do that, surely from practice, but in the midst of a panic attack, it has more often eluded me and I flip so easily to the past or the future. I has been hard for not to tell them to go away (future thinking) or past thinking “I cant do this!”

For the first time, I just waited, in my prayer, in my breath, and the surges eventually subsided. For the first time I could really say without taking a pill that it worked! Praise God!

The prayer has continued with me, and I knew it was something I did not want to forget. I did not even want to forget the feeling I had of being warm, safe, and held even in the midst of it. So, I have been repeating it to myself at various times though out my days. I realized today that it really was a little gift I was given. Even, just maybe, the reappearance of panic attacks might be too. (I cannot really believe I am saying that).

Backing up, this morning as I was going through my devotion and meditation time, I looked over at the little stained glass box that holds an Anglican rosary I made for myself with lava beads and a bottle of frankincense oil to put on it. (Too be honest, I have hardly taken it out of the box to use.) With it in my hands, a prayer using the breath prayer I was given came to me. Here it is:

Prayers for Anglican Rosary in Times of Panic and Anxiety

On the cross, pray The Lord’s Prayer

On the first large bead pray the Ave Maria: Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.

On the next large bead pray Come, Holy Spirit while entering into your breath: inhale-Come, exhale-Holy Spirit

On each of the 7 smaller beads use your breath to pray:

Inhale – I am

Exhale – warm

Inhale – I am

Exhale – safe

Inhale – I am

Exhale – held

On the next large bead, repeat again the prayer Come, Hold Spirit

Continue around until you want to end.

Then, pray I am Yours, dear God. Amen

There is a little window on the box I have where you can insert a photo or image, but I have always just had it empty. This morning I decided The little box called for something more. Maybe I will refer to it as “the panic prayer box.”

May you feel warm, May you feel safe, May you feel held.

Blessings to you,

Christine

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Feast of St. Brigid & Imbolc Hearth Cleaning Prayer Practice

Yesterday, I was searching on Pinterest for creative ways to honor the Feast of St. Brigid, which is today–February 1st. Because it is also the Imbolc, and half way between Winter and Spring, many traditions have to do with things to prepare for Spring.

Another tradition I found was it being a time to clean the hearth. We do have a wood fireplace, but we have not used it much this year, so cleaning it did not really thrill me. (You can look up St. Brigid and the eternal flame, which I will not go into here.)

It was not until I started thinking about what the hearth in the home was originally used for that it occurred to me that we too have some other hearths. The hearth was where food was cooked, so our oven in the kitchen could actually be considered our hearth. For that matter, so could the microwave and toaster.

One of the things on my list of things to do this week was to wipe down our kitchen cupboards, so cleaning the oven fit right in. (Do I dare say that I had to Google “aquaclean” to figure out how to do it? Once I saw the instructions I realized that – phew – I had done it before.)

The microwave is done and I am waiting for the oven. I suspect that the self- cleaning function will require a bit of intervention.

So, how can cleaning the oven be a prayer practice? My answer might be intention. There is a song I know that I might sing that I learned as a child. I will use that. It goes, “Cleaning the oven, Lord, cleaning the oven. Living for your glory, cleaning the oven…”. (You can put in what ever you are doing.) I will look up the name and add it to this post later.

Blessings!

Christine

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