The Challenge of Guarding my Heart and Opening it Too

Posted on 02/14/2018 by Christine

Today is Ash Wednesday and my first day re-visiting the book Your Sorrow is My Sorrow.  I also printed out the booklet I made with suggested prayers for the Seven Dolor Rosary I found from sources years ago when I first started researching Christian prayer bead traditions.

If you saw my meditation journal pages for this morning, you would see that I am all over the place in my thoughts.  I could elaborate on many thoughts I had today as I read the book and the daily emails I receive from the sites I listed in my post yesterday.

One thing I know about myself from taking the Strengths Finder test is that “Connectivity” is one of my strengths.  Though that is a positive thing in many ways, there is also the negative part that I have a tendency to make connections where there are none too.  My journal entry today would be a classic example of how easily I can connect one thought to another.  I see how the thoughts connect, but to someone else looking at it they could very well be totally lost.  Actually, when I look at what I wrote today, even I am a little lost.

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Tilt-A-Whirl_in_Saskatchewan.jpg

Another one of my personality traits that came up when I took the Strengths Finder test was “Analytical”.  Yes, I realized that my traits revealed what a tendency I have to be a “head case”.  That might explain in part why I have struggled with panic attacks.  I tend to spend way to much time thinking vs feeling.  When the thoughts start spinning, I can feel like I am spinning too.  Sometimes that can feel like being on a tilt-a-whirl ride and screaming “let me off!”  That tilt-a-whirl analogy holds another truth I have found as well.  Gripping the bar and pulling back will make the car on a tilt-a-whirl spin more and spin faster.  If the car is spinning, your instincts might tell you to hold on to that bar tighter.  What you do not know is that those instincts are actually making it worse.  The instinctive signals your body gives you when you are having a panic attack are much the same–the more you try to run away from it, the worse it will get.

So, where do I go with this post today?  What part do I focus on?  It seems I have more questions than answers.  What I have just written above is not even included in all the journal entries I made today.  How do I connect the image of a tilt-a-whirl with Ash Wednesday?

Maybe it could be a foretelling of sorts of what I am really setting myself up for by agreeing to get on this ride for the 40 days of Lent.

What am I really opening my heart up to?  What am I really willing to let go of?  What is separating me from God?  What do I need to turn away from and what do I need to be open to?

Link to One Source of Suggested Prayers for The Seven Dolor Rosary:

Sisters of the Holy Cross – Notre Dame, IN – http://www.cscsisters.org/spirituality/Pages/dolors.aspx

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The Seven Sorrows of Mary for Lent

Posted on 02/13/2018 by Christine

Christine’s Seven Sorrows of Mary Chaplet

It is already the day before Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent, and I still do not have a devotional plan.  For the Liturgical Seasons of Advent/Christmas and Lent/Easter I usually find a book to guide me in my daily devotions, but this Lenten year there was not one that stood out to me.

Instead of buying a new book, I have decided that there are daily devotions I receive via email that I can delve into deeper.  There are three that have become the ones that  resonate with me most.  They are:

  • Upper Room Daily Reflections – You can sign up on this page:  https://daily.upperroom.org
  • Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditations – Center for Action and Contemplation – Link to sign up page HERE.
  • Abbey of the Arts – http://abbeyofthearts.com – You can sign up to receive daily emails on the home page.

Along with those sources for daily devotions, I also decided to re-visit a book I have had for a long time, which is Your Sorrow Is My Sorrow by Joyce Rupp.  The book is based on the Seven Sorrows of Mary found in the Catholic tradition.

It is not very often I make a new rosary for myself, but today I did.  I titled it “Christine’s Seven Dolor Rosary” because it ended up being one I would not put up for sale anyway because there is a bead missing.

Many times I add some extra accent beads surrounding the larger beads of the rosaries I make.  One of my favorite ways to do it is adding leaf beads on either side.  I thought I had 13 of the leaf beads I used–meaning I would have one extra.  When I put on strand with the cross connection at the end, I realized I did not have 13 leaf beads; I only had 11.  That meant I was short a leaf bead.

I dug around on my bead table for those extra leaf beads but concluded they were not lost in the pile.  (Yes, if you saw my bead table you would understand why the bead might not be seen right away.)  I even considered ordering another one and waiting to finish it.  But, I realized that that missing bead could hold some symbolism for me on this Lenten journey.

So, tomorrow my journey begins.  By looking at this blog, you know that I am not very good about keeping it updated, but I want to record this journey somehow without giving up on trying to write a long, lengthy post at the end.

Click HERE for more about the Seven Dolor Rosary also known as the Servite Rosary.

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I Am Already With You ~God

Posted on 01/03/2018 by Christine

It is time again to do my book work for the past year.  It is one of my least favorite things to do.  If I just did it every month throughout the year, it would not be such a big deal.  But, that never seems to happen.

Being on the computer, I also tend to find diversions.  I can only do data entry for so long before I need a break.  Today, I ended up looking at iTunes.  It is always fun to see what is new out there in the music scene.

I came across an artist named, Michelle Mandico, and was drawn to her voice and contemplative sound.  This particular song – I Am Already With You – seemed to speak to particularly today.  What if this was a conversation between me and God?  Why do I sometimes resist God, like we are on different sides?  Why do I search so much instead of resting in the sure knowledge that God is already with me?

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I Changed My Word for 2018

Posted on 12/26/2017 by Christine

After some pondering and praying, I decided to change my word for 2018.  In my previous post, I stated it was “embraced.”  Once I started thinking more about the coming year and my intentions, I realized that, yes, I need to let myself be embraced, but I was also being called to expand on that thought.

The other day when I sat down with my prayer journal, these are the thoughts that came to me:

I am embraced in You!
Where are you calling me to go today?
What are you calling me to embrace?
I have no fear for You are with me.
Put Your desires in my heart. Let what You want be what I want.
Give me Your courage, strength, and stamina.
Let me be alert and welcome where you lead.
I am safe.
I am surrounded in Light–warm and breezy.
I breathe You in; I breathe You out.
You are the air I breathe.
My heart beats Your love–my trust in You steady and strong.
Come, Holy Spirit.
I embrace You.

Then, a short phrase came to me.  I decided I wanted it to be my mantra, or short prayer for the year.  I have never chosen a short prayer for the year, but these words seem to describe perfectly what my soul is longing for.  It is short, so I can easily memorize it and use it at the beginning of the day, and throughout the day when I need to regain my focus.

I embrace this day and all I encounter, because I am being embraced.

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My Word for 2018: How I Found It and How It Found Me

Posted on 12/15/2017 by Christine

For quite a few years now I have been using the spiritual practice of choosing a word for the year.  The practice was introduced to me by Christine Valters Paintner from Abbey of the Arts.

One of the things about the practice that has become more and more enlightening to me is how the word actually ends up choosing you vs you choosing the word.  This year that seemed particularly evident.

During the first part of December, I begin to find myself mulling over or trying out different words to see if they might hold some wisdom for me.  Right now, I do not really remember what any of those were for me this year.  But, I believe my word has found me.

About a week ago, a friend introduced a few of us who met for bible study to a group called The Liturgists.  For our gathering we listened to two recordings inspired by the Ignatian or Jesuit practice of prayer, which uses imagination and reflection.  The first recording we listened to was Nazereth to Bethlehem from The Liturgists album titled O Light.  (You can find the album on itunes.)

It was a cold night and I had run errands that afternoon including grocery shopping.  After I went home and put the groceries away, I really struggled with just staying home.  I even left my coat on to motivate me to go out again.  So, when we gathered that evening for bible study, I left my down coat on my shoulders to keep myself warm.

As I found a comfortable corner on the sofa and readied myself to listen to the recording from The Liturgists about the birth of Christ, I decided to put my coat over the top of me and snuggle in.  I also found myself bracing my arms and hands lightly over my stomach in a sort of embrace.  The recording asked us to imagine ourselves on the journey from Nazareth and right there in Bethlehem.  With my arms circling my stomach, the mental and physical feelings of what Mary might have felt carrying Jesus became very real.

We enjoyed the first recording so much that we decided to listen to another one from the album.  This one was titled Cosmic Christmas.

Right away I knew this recording was going to be more challenging than the first.  Instead of the warmth and comfort I found in the first one, I right away felt a tinge of fear rise up within me as we were asked to take the Light’s hand while we “accelerated” and “zoomed away” from earth.  Still in my same position with my coat over me and my arms encircled lightly around my middle, I decided that I need more than just a hand for this journey.

The visualizations the recording brought to mind of the “kindness and cruelty” of our human history and existence was not a comforting feeling either.  Yet, as a listened a warmth seemed to stay with me–a circle of light embracing me around my middle, not too loose that I would fall, but not so tight to feel confining.

I do not remember if it was in the first or second recording that they said something about being chased by love, or if they even said that at all.  But I had a vivid image of being chased by a parent figure.  In it I am running away and resisting being caught.  Then, when I am finally caught, I kick and struggle a bit before I finally surrender.  I let myself be embraced.

I had let my word for 2018 find me.  It is embraced.

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Contemplative Crochet

Posted on 11/07/2017 by Christine

Crocheting has become therapy and a form of contemplative prayer for me.  This morning I am pondering loose ends.  Sometimes those loose ends in our life do not only need to be tied up but woven in.  How do I weave God more into my life?

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Advent through Epiphany Meditations – Night Visions by Jan L. Richardson

Posted on 11/01/2017 by Christine

Artist and poet, Jan Richardson’s words and images have been speaking to me for the past couple of years in the emails she sends out to those who sign up.  I am not sure why, but so many times I feel such a deep connection with her words illuminated with her soulful abstract paintings.

When I saw this book, I have to admit that the cover caught my eye first.  It makes a lovely coffee table book.  The title–Night Visions–also called to me.

The winter season is not one of my favorites in Minnesota.  The cold is embraceable with warm “woolies” to keep you warm, but the lack of sunlight can sometimes feel like you are under a big dark heavy blanket looking for an edge to peek out.  Just these past couple days I noticed what a difference there is in how I feel if the sun is shining vs when it is not.

Most of my life I have associated darkness and night with things I do not want in my life.  Because of that, I try to stay away from them and ignore that they are there.  But these past few years with my practice of trying to be more mindful and in the present moment, I have found that there is so much beauty and wisdom that can come from darkness and night.  I believe God created day and night, so why did I think God is not in darkness and night?

As I have been practicing embracing the darkness and night, I am seeing things I never noticed before.  And I am seeing them in a different way.  For instance, we have a Great Horned Owl that we can here hooting at times.  The old me might associate owls with scary stuff, but the new me, ponders the sound with awe and wonders what that owl can teach me about God’s creation.  I am realizing that there is much I have missed out on in life by letting my presumptions and fears get in the way.

I am looking forward to making this new book part of my daily Advent practice.  The other part I really like about it is that it goes through Epiphany.  Did you know the 12 days of Christmas do not start until Christmas Day?  I guess I will save that thought to write about later.

Here is a little preview of what is inside the book:

The book is available for purchase on Jan’s website—www.janrichardson.com–or through Amazon.

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The Struggle to Connect

Posted on 03/06/2017 by Christine

For some time I have been trying to decide how my online presences relate to each other if at all.  This website–prayer bedes–began as an extension of my Etsy shop where I sell Christian prayer beads.  (I know, the shop is currently empty.  That does not mean that I do not have pieces I have made that need to be priced and listed.  There is a box of those sitting right in front of me staring me in the face as I write this.)

Besides prayer beads, I have had other experiences come up in my prayer journey that I felt were worth sharing.  That led to starting a blog and Facebook page called Praying with our Senses.  Much of what I think about including there gets stopped in process as I wonder if the best place to write about it might be on my prayer bedes blog.  Sure, prayer beads area a way we can pray with our senses, but there are other ways too.

Another endeavor I have in the works is a website and Etsy shop called Center Rings.  This also relates to my prayer journey.  Right now it is set up to be a separate Etsy shop (currently empty) and separate website.

Yet another endeavor I am pursuing is BootleggersLTD.  Bootleggers are handmade boot anklets made from jacquard ribbon, ethnic textiles, and ethnic needlework.  I am not sure if they really have a spiritual significance.  They are meant to be just for fun and a way to introduce people to the beauty of ethnic textiles.

I am not done yet.  Another blog and Facebook page I started is Wee Winged Ones.  If you have not already figured out, I am most definitely an “idea” person.  Wee Winged Ones is where I have posted some projects and experiments.

For right now, I will leave it at that, but confess that there are others.  (If you read my Wee Winged Ones introduction in the upper part of the above image, you will see that I very often struggle with discerning what is “worthy” and the wisdom to know the difference.)

As I am working on this 40 bags in 40 days practice for Lent, I realize that spiritual practices can be found many places and too often we try to compartmentalize the spiritual aside from our tasks of daily living .  For instance, yesterday I cleaned out our our pantry.  After I posted a photo of the before and after to the Facebook group I joined with others who are working on the 40 bags in 40 days, I noticed someone posted that Sundays in Lent are considered “little Easters” and not included in the 40 days of Lent.  My reaction was “I knew that!”  But, somehow I did not apply that knowledge to the 40 day decluttering practice.

With those thoughts, I think I have decided that I am going to somehow combine some of these “projects” into this website.  In order to make them more searchable, I will include the “area” they are coming from and have a special tag for each. (I think.  That has been one of my dilemmas–how to do this.)

For those coming to this website specifically for prayer beads information, you will be able to click on the PrayerBeads tag to exclude the other stuff.  I know this will take awhile to get the tags changed, but I hope you will be patient with me.

God Bless your Lenten Journey!

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Not Afraid to Look

Posted on 03/04/2017 by Christine

Watching the footage from some of the photographers at the Standing Rock camps, I would see this sculpture sometimes and wonder about it.  Who made it?  How did it get there?  How big is it?  What is it made out of?

I did a little research to find out some of these answers.  The sculpture is titled Not Afraid to Look the White Man in the Face.  The artist who created the sculpture is Charles Recountre  He is of Lakota heritage but now lives in New Mexico, where he made a similar piece that resides in Santa Fe.

The sculpture at Standing Rock, which sits on the edge of the hill overlooking Lake Oahe and the Cannon Ball River on the now evicted Sacred Stones camp, was completed in October 2016.  News resources say that Recountre with the help of people at camp worked from sun up to sun down for 30 days to complete the piece.  It was constructed from rebar and cement then painted a rich adobe red.

As I searched for photos of the sculpture, I started thinking about the significance of the title and how it related to me as a white woman.  Thoughts that ran through my head were:

• If I looked at myself as a white woman in the mirror, what would I see?

• If I considered myself part of the collective “we” as a white immigrant who came and took the land from these people, how do I respond?

• In relation to my last post about not turning away from sin, how does not being afraid to look echo those same thoughts?

One of the photos I found (the top one with the closeup view of the sculpture from behind) had me envisioning myself as the sculpture with someone behind me taking the photo.  Maybe that someone also had their hands on my shoulder in reassurance.  Maybe that someone is God giving me the courage to not just look but see.

If I sit here for a time in silence pondering those thoughts, how does it change the way I think, feel, see?

Last spring a little corner of our dining room evolved into a sort of prayer corner for me.  Yesterday I printed out that photo of Not Afraid to Look and added it to the corner.  I feel like it has more to tell me.

 

 

 

 

Credit for above photos: http://www.facebook.com/NotAfraidtoLookatStandingRock/

Interview with the Artist:  http://greenfiretimes.com/2017/01/not-afraid-to-look/

http://www.nrdc.org/onearth/statue-standing-rock-sends-powerful-message-resistance

http://www.ecowatch.com/standing-rock-not-afraid-to-look-2107100951.html

Not Afraid to Look Sculpture in Santa Fe, New Mexico:  http://www.publicartarchive.org/work/not-afraid-look

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Ash Wednesday – Don’t Turn Away

Posted on 03/02/2017 by Christine

I have been doing some thinking about what is said to us in our church when we receive ashes on Ash Wednesday.  The person marking our heads says, “Turn away from sin and be faithful to the Gospel.”

Sin was once described to me as that which keeps us from God.  In other words, sin is separation from God.

It is those words “turn away” that have me thinking.  Do I really want to turn away from sin?  Could that also mean ignoring or not acknowledging my sins?  What if we said instead something like “Show us our sins and draw us closer to You”?

There was a post going around on Facebook on Tuesday about a Lenten de-cluttering challenge that really resonated with me.  The graphic originated from the website White House Black Shutters.

http://www.whitehouseblackshutters.com/40-bags-in-40-days/

Are you following where I am going with this?

It was a tradition for many years in the Catholic church to give up something for Lent.  That has changed a bit over the years as it was proposed that instead of giving up something we might do something good instead.  Maybe the idea of giving up something was actually intended to give up something that keeps us from God, but that intention was a bit lost.  Giving up coffee, for instance, is in most cases not something that keeps us from God.

Still, maybe if we looked at giving something up in another way such as decluttering, the meaning of giving something up might be redefined and meaningful.  Decluttering can surely be a physical act, but it could also me a mental act if we consider clutter as things that get in the way of or obstruct our relationship with God.  You could maybe also call that clutter “road blocks”

Inspired by the 40 Bags for 40 Days of Lent challenge, I am going to commit to getting rid of at least one thing in my house each day.  (A bag a day seems like more that I can truthfully commit to.)  Like many if not most Americans, I have definitely fallen into the trap of over consumption of stuff.  I am also going to prayerfully consider what else might be getting in the way of my relationship with God.

I decided to start the 40 bag challenge on Tuesday (the day before Ash Wednesday) because I figured there was no harm in starting right away.  The picture below shows a bit of my first intentional “letting go.”  I started with the little drawers in our sofa table, but that led to going through my stashes of candles and table linens elsewhere in the house.  That led to doing a bit of purging from those other places too.

(I did end up doing something with all those candles, but I will save that for another post.)

Lord, draw me closer to you.

After I wrote this post I was reading my email devotion for today from the Upper Room.  When I took the Strengths Finder test a few years ago, it said that Connectivity was one of my strengths.  I also learned that people who have this strength can sometimes find connections where there are really not any.  That said, this email devotion today seemed to fit right into this post to me.

  Come, Holy Spirit!

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