The appointment is still there on my Google calendar–3:00 Breathe. That means it has been 2 years that I have been smoke free. Painting today, that was in my thoughts. An open airy garden, fresh air, lightness, and freedom were some of the words that came to mind. Then a song popped up as I was listening to YouTube. It was Elton John “Funeral for a Friend.”
It was a joke (a pathetic joke none the less) that my smokes were my best friend. My husband once said it and he was spot on. Those stupid smokes got me through a lot of tough times. That last statement might sound strange, but I realized this past week how looking at my smoking that way is actually helpful for me to stay a non-smoker. There is so much shame associated with smoking for me. It was a bad thing to do.
However, just thinking to myself how bad it is and lumping more shame on myself really does not make it easier to stay a non-smoker. The shame on those shoulders does not lighter despite the fact I no longer smoke.
I listened to a series of speakers on different topics related to trauma from Sounds True called the Trauma Skills Summit these past couple days. All 10 interviews were available to listen to free for a short period of time. I do not remember if it was the recording on the topic of shame or not that talked about letting go of old coping mechanisms we have used for trauma, but I think it applies to shame as well. The idea was that we can say goodbye to things that no longer serve us. We can say goodbye to them and thank them for helping us.
As I painted and listened to Elton John sing that song, a feeling of lightness did come over me. How different it felt to look at smoking as an old friend I could say goodbye to again today.
My painting is my reward this year. =)
For all who struggle with addiction, I get it. Hoping and praying you will be able to let go of what no longer serves you too. Two years ago was not my first try to quitting. Don’t give up.
Love, peace, and courage,
Christine
