For years I have walked with panic attacks by my side. Though, in the past years, they have only quietly been at my side without actually reaching out to cling to me in true form. Last week, however, that changed. But, so did something else.
I was feeling unusual chills when it gripped me. The literal blackout was already there. The bed called.
Laying there under the blankets and down comforter, the words came to me: I am warm, I am safe, I am held. I repeated them over and over turning them into a breath prayer to slow my breathing, and bring me into the moment. It is easier for me than it used to be to do that, surely from practice, but in the midst of a panic attack, it has more often eluded me and I flip so easily to the past or the future. I has been hard for not to tell them to go away (future thinking) or past thinking “I cant do this!”
For the first time, I just waited, in my prayer, in my breath, and the surges eventually subsided. For the first time I could really say without taking a pill that it worked! Praise God!
The prayer has continued with me, and I knew it was something I did not want to forget. I did not even want to forget the feeling I had of being warm, safe, and held even in the midst of it. So, I have been repeating it to myself at various times though out my days. I realized today that it really was a little gift I was given. Even, just maybe, the reappearance of panic attacks might be too. (I cannot really believe I am saying that).
Backing up, this morning as I was going through my devotion and meditation time, I looked over at the little stained glass box that holds an Anglican rosary I made for myself with lava beads and a bottle of frankincense oil to put on it. (Too be honest, I have hardly taken it out of the box to use.) With it in my hands, a prayer using the breath prayer I was given came to me. Here it is:
Prayers for Anglican Rosary in Times of Panic and Anxiety
On the cross, pray The Lord’s Prayer
On the first large bead pray the Ave Maria: Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.
On the next large bead pray Come, Holy Spirit while entering into your breath: inhale-Come, exhale-Holy Spirit
On each of the 7 smaller beads use your breath to pray:
Inhale – I am
Exhale – warm
Inhale – I am
Exhale – safe
Inhale – I am
Exhale – held
On the next large bead, repeat again the prayer Come, Hold Spirit
Continue around until you want to end.
Then, pray I am Yours, dear God. Amen
There is a little window on the box I have where you can insert a photo or image, but I have always just had it empty. This morning I decided The little box called for something more. Maybe I will refer to it as “the panic prayer box.”
May you feel warm, May you feel safe, May you feel held.
Blessings to you,
Christine
