As I sit here to write this post, thinking that my thoughts were complete, I realize that might not be the case. Maybe I just tell where this all came from–at least the events from this week. However, knowing that my experience of the events are only part of the story. Because they are based on my perceptions, which are effected by many things (some long ago) that I carry with me, the story can really only give part of the picture. Still, in the event it might help someone else, I will try to tell it.
I have been taking an online retreat through Abbey of the Arts that corresponds with Christine Valters Paintner’s book The Eyes of the Heart. It is a book about photography as a contemplative practice where images are received through the lens vs just taking pictures. Though I have read the book before and even did another retreat, this one is updated and includes much more depth and daily guest speakers. This week the focus was on shadow and light, and I must admit I struggled a bit at the beginning of the week.
Carl Jung refers to the shadow as hidden places within ourselves that we often do not want to see or let others see. But is is only when we can embrace those parts of ourselves that we can be truly whole. A shadow repressed will most always come out in ways we do not want it to be revealed.
In my own shadow work, I have come to realize that whenever I feel defensive, it is a little clue that my shadow side is coming up. Though it is easier said than done, I try to first examine myself and where that feeling might be coming from. My defensiveness might have more to do with my own feelings of inadequacy that they have to do with whatever the situations is that is bringing my defenses up. (Not sure if I am relaying this well or not, but I will keep going.)
Awhile ago, our oldest son asked if he could have a rosary I had made. Delighted that he would even want one, I told him to just pick one out. The one he chose had a center of St. Michael the Archangel. He was and is going through a hard time and stayed with us for a bit before he moved into his own place. When he left, I realized he left the rosary behind.
Maybe in an effort to feel closer to him, I brought the rosary up to my prayer table this week. During one of the guided meditations for the Eyes of the Heart retreat, we were asked to open our eyes after having them closed and see what our eye lands on. Mine landed on that St. Michael rosary. I picked it up and tried to figure out what it was telling me, but it was only later in the week that I could see the purpose.
Pictured below is the rosary and the photo I received through my lens. I even changed it to black and white thinking something might be revealed.
All I say was snakes and serpents at St. Michael’s feet. It was something I wanted to turn away from. A shield and warrior-like image was not the soft, accepting, loving feeling I wanted to feel. Not knowing quite what to do with the image or feelings, I put it aside.
Yet, that word “defend” kept sticking with me. St. Michael the Archangel is said to be sent to protect, guard, defend. Could there be a place in me for that warrior spirit? Not me defending my shadow, but is there something worthy of defending? I decided yes! and wrote a little haiku in my art journal.
Oh, I could hold that. I could see that I could also defend something good. I don’t think that it says anywhere that St. Michael only protects us “against” something. I too can defend something I care about. “Defend” does not always mean “my shadow is lurking nearby.” (I say that with sarcasm as one of the things with shadow work is to be able to look lovingly on those parts of yourself you want to hide).
Even with that “revelation” there was a little voice that whispered the word “worthy”. I was definitely making a judgment on what is worth defending.
A few days later, I started a new painting. With joy and excitement, I took out a fresh new large–30″ x 30″–canvas. A few smaller pieces I had done earlier had finally come together, so I wanted to see what might be revealed to me. What I paint is very intuitive. I have come to see that it is very much the way I release emotions.
The marks I was making started to take some form, so I brought it upstairs to sit with it a bit and decided where I wanted to go next. At this point in my process, I will often turn the canvas different directions, to see if a different perspective reveals anything to me.
This is where I was at. The image in the upper left is the direction it was on the canvas. For a bit, I thought there might be a lovely flower garden coming into being. My judgment also said that it was too dark. I wanted more light. But where and how?
The direction in the upper right and the lower left reminded me of chaos and war. (The war between Israel and Gaza weighs heave on my heart right now.) So, nope. I did not want to go there. I finally decided the choice of direction would be as shown in the lower right, but there was still a voice inside of me that wanted to tame some of that chaos, though I was not sure how.
This morning I looked at the piece again and found a clarity and purpose I had not seen before. The title also came to me. Below is my finish piece titled: You Are Worthy of My Protection ~ St. Michael.
May St. Michael the Archangel guard, defend, and protect you.
You are worthy.
In hope and love,
Christine
